It was but a mere 6 years ago that my then boyfriend decided to 'pop the question'. He proposed to me on my birthday, at my grandmother's house. We talked about the idea of getting married for months. I knew it was coming, but that did not take away from the excitement of the moment. I remember crying, nodding my head, and sticking out my hand. Once he opened the ring box, it was no longer a fantasy, but reality. We were really going to take the next step in our relationship.
We've been married now for almost 3 years (long engagement) and are still going strong. There are a few things that I've learned along the way.
We've been married now for almost 3 years (long engagement) and are still going strong. There are a few things that I've learned along the way.
Trust is key.
With social networking on the rise, I hear a lot of stories about couples 'checking up' on each other. People are going through each others phones, bank statements, checking twitter, Facebook, or Myspace accounts. Friends of the couple are spying (girlfriends mainly) on the other partner through the use of aliases, etc. etc. etc. I'm sure there are even more ways of 'checking up' on someone than I mentioned. My philosophy is that if I have to spend 80% of my time worrying about what your doing or who you’re doing it with, then you aren't worth my time. There are far more important things that one could be doing. Granted that in some relationships there have been actions in the past that can deem a person to be untrustworthy. But if you can forgive them for it, then leave it in the past and trust that they will change. (Repeat relationship offenders are another story).On a side note: if that action was domestic violence, whether verbal or physical, no matter how many times, you can forgive them as you walk out the door. No person has the right to put their hands on or talk bad, down to another person.
If you can not forgive your exes for EVERYTHING they've done or ask for forgiveness for EVERYTHING you've done, you can not have a healthy and successful relationship in the future. No one likes to carry around a lot of luggage, so why are you bombarding your brain & heart with a lot of unnecessary emotional baggage. Let loose and be free! You'll sleep a lot better.
Effective Communication is a Must.
Closed hearts lead to closed doors.
I need to be clear on a few things when it comes to communication. Just because you are voicing your opinion does not mean you are correct, listening, or being heard. You need to press the mute button on yourself sometimes. Effective communication is when both parties can equally express their feelings or concerns and listen (ears, mind, and heart) to the other party with the same amount of respect and attention. You can not jump to conclusion nor get angry about something you can't control. Every relationship does not have this skill. It is something that is learned through trial and error.
With social networking on the rise, I hear a lot of stories about couples 'checking up' on each other. People are going through each others phones, bank statements, checking twitter, Facebook, or Myspace accounts. Friends of the couple are spying (girlfriends mainly) on the other partner through the use of aliases, etc. etc. etc. I'm sure there are even more ways of 'checking up' on someone than I mentioned. My philosophy is that if I have to spend 80% of my time worrying about what your doing or who you’re doing it with, then you aren't worth my time. There are far more important things that one could be doing. Granted that in some relationships there have been actions in the past that can deem a person to be untrustworthy. But if you can forgive them for it, then leave it in the past and trust that they will change. (Repeat relationship offenders are another story).On a side note: if that action was domestic violence, whether verbal or physical, no matter how many times, you can forgive them as you walk out the door. No person has the right to put their hands on or talk bad, down to another person.
If you can not forgive your exes for EVERYTHING they've done or ask for forgiveness for EVERYTHING you've done, you can not have a healthy and successful relationship in the future. No one likes to carry around a lot of luggage, so why are you bombarding your brain & heart with a lot of unnecessary emotional baggage. Let loose and be free! You'll sleep a lot better.
Effective Communication is a Must.
Closed hearts lead to closed doors.
I need to be clear on a few things when it comes to communication. Just because you are voicing your opinion does not mean you are correct, listening, or being heard. You need to press the mute button on yourself sometimes. Effective communication is when both parties can equally express their feelings or concerns and listen (ears, mind, and heart) to the other party with the same amount of respect and attention. You can not jump to conclusion nor get angry about something you can't control. Every relationship does not have this skill. It is something that is learned through trial and error.
Communicating is not constantly blaming, or nit-picking at your partner's flaws. Everyone has a different perception of what is right and wrong. So before you get frustrated in conforming someone to agree with your perceptions, try understanding theirs. Maybe then you can effectively communicate your needs and desires.
A Common Goal.
The future success of the relationship is largely dependent on the goal set in the present. Some may say 'we'll just let it run it's course' or 'we're taking things slow' or 'it's just casual dating/sex.' What happens when a baby is added to the equation or the heart begin to wander?. Goals change. People change. What happens when one partner is committed emotionally/legally to someone else? What if someone becomes terminally ill, dies suddenly, or can no longer take care of/provide for them self? What is the goal then?
Granted this is not a discussion you have on the first date, but more so when the topic of exclusivity or marriage is being discussed. My point is that if the relationship turns (for better or worse), are you and your partner willing to turn with it? If not, then some key decisions should be made. Our goal (my husband and I) was to be married and raise a family. We worked toward it and are continuing to maintain our goal.
In a nutshell, a relationship is never just a piece of cake. No relationship is perfect and each one is unique. In order to make it work you must be willing to put in the work. Marriage is a 24/7 career. If you truly love that person all problems will work themselves out. As long as you are open, honest, trusting, effectively communicating, and are on the same page, you can have a healthy and successful relationship.
You deserve happiness.
A Common Goal.
The future success of the relationship is largely dependent on the goal set in the present. Some may say 'we'll just let it run it's course' or 'we're taking things slow' or 'it's just casual dating/sex.' What happens when a baby is added to the equation or the heart begin to wander?. Goals change. People change. What happens when one partner is committed emotionally/legally to someone else? What if someone becomes terminally ill, dies suddenly, or can no longer take care of/provide for them self? What is the goal then?
Granted this is not a discussion you have on the first date, but more so when the topic of exclusivity or marriage is being discussed. My point is that if the relationship turns (for better or worse), are you and your partner willing to turn with it? If not, then some key decisions should be made. Our goal (my husband and I) was to be married and raise a family. We worked toward it and are continuing to maintain our goal.
In a nutshell, a relationship is never just a piece of cake. No relationship is perfect and each one is unique. In order to make it work you must be willing to put in the work. Marriage is a 24/7 career. If you truly love that person all problems will work themselves out. As long as you are open, honest, trusting, effectively communicating, and are on the same page, you can have a healthy and successful relationship.
You deserve happiness.
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