Marriage and communication

As I was looking through my posts, I realized that I did not have any full posts related to marriage and communication.  How I missed that nugget is beyond me.  Nevertheless, I have some insights that I would like to share with you.

Communication in any relationship is essential.  It is how we let others know what is on our minds.  We communicate our needs and wants, hopes and dreams, feelings, and love.  It does not always have to be verbal.  Today, we communicate face to face, on the phone, via email, with hand signals and signs.  There are so many ways to say how you feel, and still so many ways to misinterpret how someone else feels.

In order to be an effective communicator, you must first learn your style of communication.  How do you prefer to talk with people?  How do you prefer to be addressed?  What messages are you sending and receiving with your body language?  I am not going to bore you with research on communication styles and techniques.  You can  read up on those any time.

Once you have learned your communication style, you can then learn your partners.  We do not learn this information to use it against them.  Rather it is learned to help us work together more effectively.  If you know that eye rolls aggravate you, don't do them to anyone else.  Likewise, if you know that curse words upset your spouse, don't use them.  Communication does not work if everyone keeps silent.

We should not communicate with malicious intent.  Take ownership of your feelings and statements by using "I" statements.  Express your concerns lovingly and openly.  I challenge you to do 2 exercises this week:

1) Spend 10 minutes with your partner in silence.  Turn off the phones and the TV.  Sit in close proximity to each other and just watch each other.  How many times did they blink?  Did they appear uncomfortable at any point?  Do they cough a lot or twiddle their thumbs?  If you can get through 10, you can get through 20, 30, ...  The point is, you can learn alot about someone through observation. 

2) Spend 20 minutes with your partner in a light discussion.  Again, eliminate all distractions and focus on each other.  Each person should get 10 minutes of talk time and 10 of listen time.  While you are listening, notice the inflections in their voice.  What part of the conversation made them smile or frown?  Do they sit still or move around in their chair? 

After each activity, talk about how you felt with your partner.  Challenge each other to continue learning the communication styles that work best for your marriage.  From experience, I was able to learn how to fight fair and own my feelings.  We work together through a crisis instead of running from it.  Our marriage is stronger because we know how and when to talk with each other.