Lately my pastor has been preaching about love, relationships, conflict, and forgiveness. Over the past few weeks I have been doing some soul searching to figure out my forgiveness patterns and conflict style. While I may not have it all figured out yet, this is what I know so far.
I do not like conflict. I do my best to avoid it, but it some how manages to find me. I guess it is a dragon, I have yet to defeat. I have learned that conflict comes from two sources: confusion or lack of self-awareness. You will either have conflict because you have not taken the time to understand why a situation is occurring or you are avoiding yourself. The first concept is fairly easy to understand. If you are rushing through life and only concerned about what is best for you, you miss out on an opportunity to learn from others. A person who constantly interrupts another person will not hear what is being said. They will only hear what they assume has been said. When you are not patient and nonjudgmental, you cannot understand why a situation is occurring. Often times we create the situation in the first place and then get mad at everyone else because we don't realize the mess we have created. It's okay to say ouch. The key to fixing this problem is to STOP trying to control every situation. Our life is not ours to control, it is God's. He does not need you to stir up trouble and confusion by putting your two cents into everything. When you do that, the two cents you deposited will return void.
The next concept may be a little harder for some to grasp. Conflict arises when you do not know yourself. You are avoiding your own internal struggle, thus projecting onto everyone else and in everything else. Ouch! You constantly running away from the truth in search of a truth that is covered by lies. You want to be okay, but you are not. You want to be happy, but you don't know how. You want peace, but you are co-writing a book on confusion. The conflict you face within yourself is a hard battle to fight. I have learned that the faults we find in others are really a reflection of the faults we do not want to admit to in ourselves. Need an example?
Susan is a hard-working woman, wife, and mother. She goes to church regularly and is very active in her community. Recently, Susan was turned down for a promotion and her husband had to take a cut in pay, in order to keep his job. Susan's children are in elementary school and one has been having disciplinary problems for the past two years. She recently discovered a to-do list that she wrote in her twenties. As Susan read the list she realized that she had only completed 2 of the 10 items, get married, have a family. She shrugged it off and put the list away. A few months go by, and Susan's son is in jeopardy of being expelled for fighting. Her husband is now working a second job to make ends meet. Susan's daughter is struggling to keep her grades up in school and Susan's co-workers have been talking about her behind her back. At church, Susan was given a new task of co-coordinating the Youth Fellowship. She enjoyed working on church projects. Her co-chair was Sis. Jenkins, a faithful and fearful member.
At first it seemed that everything was going well, until Sis. Jenkins shot down Susan's idea of a carnival theme and hired her nephews to provide entertainment. Susan brushed it off and kept going. Meanwhile, Susan stumbled across her to-do list in the drawer. She pondered on it for days. She felt like a failure. She became snappy and moody with everyone. She was hurting inside, but did not understand why. She was distant with her husband and fell into the gossip circle at church. She never confronted Sis. Jenkins, but she told others how she truly felt. Of course, this got around to Sis. Jenkins who eventually confronted Susan. They had words, and then they didn't. Several months later, Susan and Sis. Jenkins were asked to co-chair another event for the community. Susan, who was still wallowing in her own pity party, reluctantly said yes. Sis. Jenkins said no. Susan was hurt. She couldn't understand why Sis. Jenkins was so mean to her. She never did anything to Sis. Jenkins.
Susan never learned that because she was unhappy with herself, she was causing conflict and discord in her relationships with other people. She was the reason her marriage was falling apart, her children were acting out, and her church members were shunning her. If she had only been truthful with herself and stopped running from herself, maybe she could have avoided the conflicts she created. The moral of the story: To thine own self be true.
Managing conflict is not easy. It takes patience, time, growth, and wisdom. Wisdom comes from God. God gives us the tools we need to find peace. We just have to wake-up and decide to stop creating conflict and start managing it more effectively.
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